What did the trout say when it hit a wall?

What humans think -  “Look at the pretty fish in the aquarium.”

What fish think - “For the love of Artemis, I can’t find the door out of here. Don’t let me die in this acrylic cage.”

The answer:  Dam!

ChaCha Query: How can you get a girl to fall for you instead of someone better than you?

Don’t ever underestimate what confidence does for your chances with a girl.  What makes this other person better than you?  Is it because you think they are cooler than you, or better looking than you?  With girls, it isn’t all about that.  Sure being attractive is a plus, but not having the personality to back that up will cause you to fail too.

First figure out your strengths, maybe you are the funny guy, or the smart guy.  If you can figure out what people like about your personality, and use that to your advantage.  Don’t ever be fake and try to be something you’re not.  Use your strengths, not someone else’s.

Second I’d advise you to update your look.  Maybe you’ve been stuck with a certain haircut since grade school, try something new but be careful.  Ask some of your girl friends what they think you could do to improve your overall look.  They’ll love to do your make-over.  Sometimes it’s as simple as updating your style of jeans, or your shoes.  Do something that improves how you feel about yourself.

Make her feel comfortable with you.  Find out her interests and what you two may have in common.  Listen to her when she talks to you and ask questions, but keep it fun and flirty.  At the same time you are available for her, don’t be too available.  Keep her guessing a little, girls like the chase as much as guys do.

Also, stick to what you say, and be a man of your word.  She needs to know she can trust you.  Have fun and if it doesn’t work out, don’t let it get you down.  Use what you learned from that experience with the next girl you are interested in.  Dating is all about learning about yourself and what you are really looking for in another person!  Good Luck!

Q: What do Mac Users use for birth control?

There is something wrong with this mac that causes it to overheat.  JK has to put Flavor-Ice on it to keep it cool. Of course, this melts the Favor-Ice, turning it into Flavor Water and if left long enough, Flavor Hot Tea.   It is a shame we don’t have a computer that is running cold so we could refreeze the Flavor-Ice and enjoy them.  It’s Science!

The answer to the caption joke:  Their personalities.

I’m the type of guy that wants his funeral to be a huge party, lots of champagne, loud music, costumes, zombie-themed cupcakes, the whole (slightly macabre) nine yards.  I’m not going to presume that Michael Jackson is the same way, but I’m going to celebrate him like it was!  I’ll save the poignant commentary and reflections on how he’s changed the world.  I mean, did you even SEE Captain EO?  Enough Said.

Let’s turn up the bass, turn down the lights, and remember MJ with some neu-rave remixes of his classics!

Thriller - (Villain Pants Too Tight Remix) - Download

Smooth Criminal - (Telemitry Remix) - Download

Rock With You - (Freemasons Mix) - Download

Dirty Diana - (Dexplicit Remix) - Download

You love Arrested Development.  I love Arrested Development.  I’ve never once met someone that didn’t absolutely love Arrested Development- only people that hadn’t seen it.  It’s the show Fox could never get right, though.  It won every award in the book at least once, had a stellar cast, and the possibly some of the most genius comedy writing in a generation.   So what happened?

Well, I don’t know.  I don’t work at Fox.  And if I did, I would do a lot of things differently (like give a show a chance and not move it all around the programming schedule until it was more lost than Flight 815.)  Arrested Development was just finding its fan base when the show was canceled and the uproar that soon followed led many people, including myself, to believe that they would resurrect the show much like they did Family Guy- especially after AD’s Season 2 DVD set spent over a month as the number one selling DVD on Amazon.  No luck.

Then Fox tried to regurgitate an Australian cartoon with many of the voices done by actors from AD called “Sit Down, Shut Up.”  Few liked it.

There are rumors of an Arrested Development movie.  According to Will Arnett, people are “talking about it.” In fact, here, listen to him tell you about it because he’s way funnier than I am.

Another Arrested Development project that has appeared, like a zombie’s hand punching through a fresh grave, is the Arrested Development Documentary Project.  Created by two rabid AD fans, they’ve undertaken the challenge of documenting how it was possible that this show went so under-appreciated, and how its fanbase is still growing in size and ardency.

Will AD ever come back on air?  Will there be a movie?  In a lot of ways I hope not.  In the same way I’m kind of glad Kurt Cobain and 2Pac died, lest they be contestents alongside ‘Speidi‘ on “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here.“  Okay, that’s a stretch, but you know what I’m saying.  Like, imagine the cathedrals built in Michael Jackson’s honor had he just kicked the bucket after Dangerous!  Perhaps Arrested Development is better left as a short-lived opus- and maybe leaving it dead is the one thing Fox could do right by it.

Until then, there’s always money in the banana stand!

ChaCha Query: My boyfriend’s moving away, how can we make our relationship work?

Distance is hard on even the best relationships.  The biggest issue is you both have to be equally committed to making this relationship work.  Plan visits as often as you can.  Talk to each other as much as you can.  My husband moved 5 hours away about 4 months into our relationship.  It was hard, but I drove down to see him, or he drove up to see me just about every other weekend.  It wasn’t a hassle; it was something we both looked forward to.  You have to figure out what works for both of you and stick to it!

Try these things:

• When in town for a visit, leave little notes around for your boyfriend to find while you are apart.
• Send a written letter or a card every once in awhile.
• Try web cam chats so you can see each other.
• Stay out of trouble! Meaning, don’t put yourself in positions where you could do anything to jeopardize your relationship.
• Don’t go crazy! Keep busy with friends or hobbies when not together.

You also have to understand that things come up.  Your boyfriend may have something going on one weekend that he can’t get out of, or you may have something you need to attend as well.  Plan around it and don’t start over analyzing things.  Your head can start to play games with you.  If you know you are in a good relationship you have to trust your boyfriend, and he has to trust you.  You will go crazy if you try to read too much into everything.  It’s easy to get carried away with all of the things that can happen while you two are apart.

At the same time, understand if making a huge effort becomes too much for either of you, the relationship may not be strong enough to make it.  It’s just a fact, distance can either bring you two closer together, or it can pull you apart.  Talk about it before he moves and know, it’s not guaranteed to work, but you can both try your hardest.  Good luck!

This week we are going to visit a restaurant in the city I’m currently living in, Indianapolis. It’s an awesome little restaurant in one of the most fun and hip areas of Indy, Broad Ripple. Broad Ripple features a great nightlife scene, with several bars and awesome restaurants, along with lots of trendy stores. My favorite place to eat down there is definitely the Ripple Bagel & Deli. It’s a restaurant that serves steamed bagel sandwiches, along with salads and homemade soups. The bagel sandwiches are by far the best thing on the menu, and they have quite a variety, so there’s something for everyone.

The Ripple Bagel & Deli was opened on January 15th, 2004 by owners Ken & Susan Richman, and has been thriving ever since. It is based on the original Bagel & Deli which is located at Miami University in Oxford, Ohio. The atmosphere is very welcoming and fun, with a long walk-up & order counter where you can see your sandwich being made. There are several tables along one wall for those who want to enjoy their bagel delights there. The menu is written on giant chalkboards hung behind the counter, and it’s loaded with options.

Ripple Bagel & Deli features every kind of bagel sandwich you can imagine. And if they don’t have the exact one you’re imagining, you can tell them what you want and create your own bagel sandwich. If they really like your creation, they’ll write it on a piece of paper and throw it up on the wall, so others can order it. The walls are lined with creations people have made, adding to their already extensive list of offerings. The prices are not bad either, with most bagel sandwiches between about $4 and $6.

And now, for a sampling of the menu. It turns out bagel sandwiches are not just for lunch and dinner, as they offer several breakfast bagel sandwiches, with toppings like scrambled eggs, bacon/sausage, and a variety of cheeses. For lunch and dinner choices, they have menu sections devoted to turkey, ham, roast beef, bacon, veggie, corned beef & pastrami, pepporoni, salami & meatball,  chicken & tuna, and custom. They all feature fun names like Monon Roadkill, Chia Pet, David Letterman, and The Gin Blossom. One of my personal favorites is the Philly, which features roast beef, cream cheese, pepper jack, green pepper, onion, and parmesan peppercorn on an onion bagel. Another great choice is the Slick Leonard, which has turkey, provolone, smoked cheddar, onion, BBQ Sauce, and ground pepper on an onion bagel. If you’re in a veggie mood, the Aunt Pin’s offers hummus, avocado, sprouts, and tomato on a pumpernickel bagel.

If you’re feeling particularly lucky or just can’t decide, you can go with the Lottery bagel, and leave it in the hands of whoever’s making your sandwich. They choose one meat, one cheese, two solid toppings and two liquid toppings and throw it all together on a bagel for you. I am particularly picky when it comes to sandwiches and what I like on them, so I usually create my own when I visit the Ripple Bagel & Deli. My usual is a bialy bagel with roast beef, cream cheese, bacon, pepper jack, and parmesan peppercorn. It’s delightful, and definitely one of the best sandwiches I’ve ever had. I’ve even turned a couple other people on to my creation, so I’m pretty sure they’ll be putting it up on the wall very soon.

If you’re not in the mood for a sandwich, they offer about 15 types of bagels and several types of spreads, along with a variety of chips, giant pickles, and homemade sweets. And if for some odd reason you don’t like bagels, you can get any sandwich on a sub for a little bit extra. If you live in Indy or ever visit, you should definitely give the Ripple Bagel & Deli a visit, and I guaruntee you’ll never look at a sandwich the same way after you do.

ChaCha Query: How do you get the guy you love to love you back?

Oh how I wish someone had told me about this back when I was single and dating.  I fell so hard and fast for the guys I dated, but I was the only one trying.  If you haven’t read the book or seen the movie He’s Just Not That Into You, you should check it out!

If a guy loves you, he loves you.  You can’t force it in any way.  You can be so sure that a guy is the perfect one for you, that if you could just morph yourself into this perfect person for them, then they’d be yours forever.  Guys are not that complicated.  If they really like you or care about you, they make the effort.  They fall for you in spite of themselves.  You can’t force love, and you can’t force a connection or spark with someone.  It’s either there or it’s not.  I wish someone had smacked me upside the head with that information a long time ago!

My husband is the first guy I dated where it wasn’t a huge effort on my part to make it work.  We both equally called each other because we wanted to.  We spent a lot of time together because we wanted to, equally.  I never believed any of my friends until it really happened for me.  When you are the one doing all of the work, it isn’t worth it.  You deserve to be just as important to your boyfriend as he is to you.  Don’t settle for less than that!

These days, television is overpopulated with reality shows, and about every subject imaginable. From cooking shows, to modeling, to finding ‘love’, it’s everywhere. While they’re all equally addicting (and typically, equally stupid), I have to say, my favorite kind has to be the ones about ‘real’ people and their ‘real’ lives. My favorites of this type would be The Hills (I’m a 21-year old female, naturally I like this show), and the Real Housewives series. Just about every girl I know also likes the Real Housewives shows, and that’s why I started watching. Before this weekend, I’d only seen an episode here or there, and never really got too into it. Since I was home sick the past three days and had nothing better to do, I found myself watching marathons.

The Real Housewives of New Jersey

The Real Housewives series started as a kind of a combination spin-off of the fictional TV shows Desperate Housewives and The OC, with the first show, The Real Housewives of Orange County. Since it’s start in March of 2006, there have been three spin-offs: The Real Housewives of New York City, The RH of New Jersey, and The RH of Atlanta. I’ve seen episodes from all four versions, but the marathons I was watching were on New York and New Jersey.

The point of these shows is to show reality, and see how these women live their lives. However, they’re more of a cross between a middle-school soap opera and a plastic surgery show. The women all prance around with overly-tan bodies comprised of botoxed faces and for the most part, not-so-real chests. They’re constantly complaining about how their chest is too big or too small, about how they need to go shopping for more incredibly overpriced clothing, about how their husbands love them so much because they buy them gifts of plastic surgery and hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of jewelry. There is constant drama between these ‘friends.’ Either one of them started a nasty (my guess is probably true) rumor about another one, or someone showed up late to a party, or someone thinks she’s better than the others. Tonight’s episode’s preview shows an excess of drama with one woman flipping the dinner table over while the others are yelling back and forth. For the most part, they don’t really work either, and go on fancy girls-only trips to spas and shop at the best of the best stores.

Now, I know this is how they attract the viewers and suck people in, but I honestly don’t see how this can be  REALity to many people that watch.  Maybe I’m alone here, but I don’t tend to have drawn-out fight-grudges with my actually good friends because they showed up a little late to my party. Nor are we able to randomly go out of town for a few days whenever we feel like it for some relaxation & shopping time. And I definitely do not have a closet full of thousands to millions of dollars of clothing and jewelry.

The ladies of Desperate Housewives

I find the fictional show Desperate Housewives to be a more accurate reality. The women on the show actually work, and have struggles just like real women and housewives do. They go through job losses, one woman survives cancer, another experiences divorce, and they live in nice, but not over the top, houses. Now, I know this show has plenty of drama as well, with neighbors who turn out to be murderers, thieving ex-convict husbands , and all kinds of other stuff that probably isn’t very much of a reality to many women. However, in general, I think this show is far more realistic than The Real Housewives series.

Maybe it’s so captivating because it’s so different from real life, and I think girls as a whole like drama, at least watching it. Having said all of this negative stuff about the shows, it doesn’t make the Real Housewives series any less addicting, and you probably won’t see me stop watching anytime soon.

Robert Downey, Jr. as Ironman, Paramount Pictures

Stan Lee, who created the modern superhero along with his co-creator Jack Kirby, once said about Superman, whom he didn’t create:

“He[SuperMan] was never very interesting to me, because I was never worried about him. And if you’re not worried about the jam your hero is in, there’s no excitement.”  Brilliant Careers, Stan Lee, Salon.com

Having figured out the first rule of drama — make the audience care about your protagonist — Stan Lee went on to save Marvel Comics, and the comics business, from death. (TV was about to murder them.) The characters that Stan Lee created were never perfect. In fact, it was their flaws that made Marvel’s heroes so interesting. That, and another essential quality: their irony.

Debuting in 1961, Fantastic Four– The Thing, Mr. Fantastic, the Human Torch, and Invisible Girl — each had a secret sorrow or weakness.  Their ironic verbal balloons and captions contrasted perfectly with Jack Kirby’s heroic drawings. And Hollywood took notice, as you can see on Box Office Mojo’s list of Superhero Movies and their box office grosses.

Today’s digital effects wizards have made the superhero movie ever more realistic, earning them not only Oscars but the Academy Awards committee’s respect. With the special effects well in hand, scripts can concentrate on that special ironic tone that makes a really great superhero movie.  What would Iron Man be, for example, without the great verbal intercourse, er, interplay, between Robert Downey, Jr. and Gwyneth Paltrow? Just another pile of iron.